What a fucked-up situation. I have a partner. Blargg! I hate saying that - 'partner'. I have a boyfriend already, since over 2 years. And I've done the bad thing. Cheating. Cast me out now. All the people who have been cheated on in the past can queue up and take their pound of flesh, 'cause I'm guilty.
It's an ok relationship, we don't argue. We plan our trips and outings and everything is safe. That's the problem; most of the time everything is so safe. There's no electricity, no intensity, no danger.
Then comes along a new friend. Just a friend, nothing special. And then I see this friend is a bit like me. A bit more emotional, a little less rational. I start to feel things, like wanting to nurture and look after, like wanting to pick him up when he's down. And then I want to kiss him and embrace him, and so I do.
I never planned on having sex with him, but I certainly wouldn't erase the action. A second time, a third; I'm starting to get hooked. It's been quite a while since I felt an intensity like this.
But stop. Oh no. Oh shit! I like him a bit too much. But there's a distance in his eyes. He doesn't feel the same. He knows I am officially 'partnered' and he's also going back to university some 3 hours away from our town. I know it's just excuses though. Fine, I know you can't help the way you feel, or don't feel. I'm glad I know, because now I can get over it. Though it's always hard to let go. It's like becoming fond of a certain snowflake, because even though you know there are always going to be more, this one is just particularly and uniquely good. Thoughts like "I'll never find anyone like him again" go through my mind, which is true yet not as bad as it seems at first.
So now, I'm left with my boyfriend. You may say I'm a lucky bastard, or even that I don't deserve it. I don't think he deserves it, really. Though I'm sure if I come clean with him, he'll forgive me anyway. The world is unfair like that. And as every relationship dips and peaks, we may just fall in love again.
This could be the universe nudging me in to remembering that I have a lot of emotion inside that just gets stored away so that no-one gets offended or uncomfortable. Or it could be that my current partner is not right for me and I should be kind and let him go. I would miss him dearly though. He has so many good qualities. He's another unique snowflake that I couldn't find again, and that I still appreciate.