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Sep. 12th, 2008

posing laying

There's this guy I like...

But he doesn't like me (And I feel wretched).

What a fucked-up situation. I have a partner. Blargg! I hate saying that - 'partner'. I have a boyfriend already, since over 2 years. And I've done the bad thing. Cheating. Cast me out now. All the people who have been cheated on in the past can queue up and take their pound of flesh, 'cause I'm guilty.

It's an ok relationship, we don't argue. We plan our trips and outings and everything is safe. That's the problem; most of the time everything is so safe. There's no electricity, no intensity, no danger.

Then comes along a new friend. Just a friend, nothing special. And then I see this friend is a bit like me. A bit more emotional, a little less rational. I start to feel things, like wanting to nurture and look after, like wanting to pick him up when he's down. And then I want to kiss him and embrace him, and so I do.
I never planned on having sex with him, but I certainly wouldn't erase the action. A second time, a third; I'm starting to get hooked. It's been quite a while since I felt an intensity like this.

But stop. Oh no. Oh shit! I like him a bit too much. But there's a distance in his eyes. He doesn't feel the same. He knows I am officially 'partnered' and he's also going back to university some 3 hours away from our town. I know it's just excuses though. Fine, I know you can't help the way you feel, or don't feel. I'm glad I know, because now I can get over it. Though it's always hard to let go. It's like becoming fond of a certain snowflake, because even though you know there are always going to be more, this one is just particularly and uniquely good. Thoughts like "I'll never find anyone like him again" go through my mind, which is true yet not as bad as it seems at first.

So now, I'm left with my boyfriend. You may say I'm a lucky bastard, or even that I don't deserve it. I don't think he deserves it, really. Though I'm sure if I come clean with him, he'll forgive me anyway. The world is unfair like that. And as every relationship dips and peaks, we may just fall in love again.

This could be the universe nudging me in to remembering that I have a lot of emotion inside that just gets stored away so that no-one gets offended or uncomfortable. Or it could be that my current partner is not right for me and I should be kind and let him go. I would miss him dearly though. He has so many good qualities. He's another unique snowflake that I couldn't find again, and that I still appreciate.

Oct. 27th, 2006

scottie dog orange hat

Feeling Weary?

As the fatigue of using computers is unavoidable, here are my tips for staying as fresh as possible.

1. Everyone knows this one - take regular breaks.
It is recommended that you do something away from your screen for 15 mins every hour. For some this is not a viable option when deadlines are approaching. If you can't take time away, at least look at something else sporadically. If you have a fish tank in the room, follow the fish movements for a while or stare up at the posters on your walls or look out of the window.

2. Breath Deeply
When sitting and concentrating at a screen, your breathing gets quite low which can add to fatigue. Once in a while, close your eyes and concentrate on breathing deeply. Push out your stomach on the in-breaths to really expand your lungs to the full, then slowly release the air. It help to extend your spine and sit up fully with this.

3. Stretch
Your back, buttocks and thighs can really suffer when sitting in the same position for long periods. Make sure to re-adjust your posture to avoid bad necks and backs, and stretch out your legs often. Better still, get up and walk (hence the 15 mins break) or stretch out your legs by bringing your knee up to your chest (one at a time!)

4. Eat away
Not 'eat as much as you want' but 'eat away from your screen'. Having snacks at your computer is a bad move. It means the only reason to step away from your screen will be to use the loo (I hope!). Go out to get your lunch or sit in another part of house/office and relax while you eat.

5. Work away
Like before, work away from your computer. If there are thing you need to do which do not involve the computer, move down the desk (if possible) or to another table where the screen won't distract you.

The last two points are really to reduce the amount of time in front of the computer. I'd recommend anyone who works for long hours with computers to also have some physical activity a few times a week to counteract a lot of sitting. People can become overweight quite easily when they take a sedentary job. Personally, I hate the thought of my fingers being the strongest part of my body, so I keep hand-weights in the room with my computer and also have the radio on and the window open. A little bit of exercise in between e-mails goes a long way.

Oct. 22nd, 2006

são paulo

No, computer.

When will someone invent a cure for the computer? It's a bad habit to start - the more you know about them, the more you use them. Terrible for your health; back pain, eye strain, neck stiffness, wrist aches and general heightened stress levels.

I love using my computer - for recreation only. Unfortunately like many others, I work using computers, which means I see a screen for many, many hours a day.

The ideal medium would be when a clever fellow can invent a 3-d screen and a chip-set that can read my thoughts and directions without me typing or clicking a thing. There will surely come a day when those things exist - but not soon enough! I will already be a blind medicated cripple by that time.

Oct. 13th, 2006

são paulo

Hello again

Phew, it's been a long time since I was here. What with all the other websites I have to fill in, fill up and comment on. Not to mention the communities that come with them (I do seem to post more in astrology than my own journal).

There are just so many sites with blogs that vie for attention. Many of them are basically free which doesn't help in my loyalty, and some of them are thrust upon you when all you wanted was an email address. There will one day, no doubt, be a site that conglomerates all the sites you have an account with into one mega log-in. Don't get me wrong though, I quite enjoy a change of scene, but it means my effort is spread thinly throughout the web.

Now, I know that lj encourages development so that the blog here can be shared and posted on other sites. As of this moment, I am not sure how to put this blog on MSN Live spaces, Yahoo 360, Myspace.com, Youtube (maybe a little out of place), Cafepress (definitely out of place) and the hundreds of dating/community sites sending me daily emails to join up. I guess my schizophrenia will have to continue then.

Feb. 23rd, 2006

posing laying

No way! Yes way!

How on earth could I be Cher from 'Clueless'??

I'm much more like Dionne.

I'm starting to think Quizilla content isn't scientifically proven. Maybe not even checked by professionals.

You are... Cher.

Congrats! You're Cher!

Now go make sure Ambular doesn't go through your laundry!

What Clueless character are you?
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Feb. 21st, 2006

posing laying

Germs, germs, go away...

*Sneeze*, *cough*, *croak*

Germs are evil. That's it, that's the truth of the universe.
If only they knew what they were doing to me, they might ration their intake a bit. Maybe not. They're only trying to survive, just like me.

The good thing is that you get to drink lemon and honey. It rocks.

Feb. 17th, 2006

posing laying


It's all I could think of for a title.

I'm in that frame of mind where whatever I try to do, doesn't work - grrrrr! (that was anger, not lust).

I've been at work trying to make a new illustration. I put pencil to paper and find I can no longer draw - hmm! I had a cold for a couple of weeks and realise I still cannot sing out loud to my favourite songs with this croaky voice - double hmm! Finally, I try and make my websites look good, and the formulas I am with right now aren't doing the job - it's 'hmmmm' city.

The good thing is I have journals-a-plenty for which to fill up with this frustration. Even though they are still just words, it feels like action, like something has been created and acheived. At the same time, so many words and ideas in my head need to be extracted and realised. Imagine Dumbledore with his pensieve - that would be very therapeutic right now.

The next best thing, *Highly recommended* - PEN & PAPER. I so often forget what things I am supposed to be doing and when. I find myself doing mental checklists, over and over, instead of actually doing what's in the list. 'Welcome to the rest of the world', I imagine you say.

Oct. 28th, 2005

posing laying

Nights of work…

...have finally paid off! I’ve found a way to display things on my corporate artwork page. After trying many plug-ins and photo-blogs, I abandoned them and just put the code in myself! There was always something that just displayed wrongly or the file layout didn’t work. You get to the point of your forefinger hovering over the ‘uninstall everything’ option, (or as a friend with a french computer describes as OPTION DESTRUCTIVE), but I have a streak of determination that will just not let anything pretty die. Jessica Simpson would be an exception.

So, if you’re looking to add a gallery to your blog; I can’t help you.
Well let me say I can suggest things for you to try, at least. For my own gallery, I put all the HTML tags in manually and changed the stylesheet to space them out nicely. To help me with the images, I used a plug-in called iimage-browser. Yes, those two ‘i’s are on purpose. It’s great for organising any images uploaded to your site into directories. Contrary to the user comments, it DOES create thumbnails for you when you upload. Although it wasn’t really made for creating galleries and wouldn’t be great for hundreds of photos, it is good for inserting pictures on posts and pages sparadically or in small groups.

Other options I tried were Plogger.org and Zenphoto.org. These weren’t built to be put inside another blog, but say they can be integrated into one. Plogger (such an unfortunate name in my mind), seemed to be going well, and I’d got the album chooser appearing on one of my pages. However, as I chose an album from the list, it always redirected me to my homepage instead of showing any pictures. I realised that because my website is a based around my blog, rather than the blog being fitted into a pre-made site, the folder system that wordpress (God bless them) had created meant that I couldn’t direct plogger to the right files. If you didn’t understand any of what I just typed: it didn’t work and I’d have to do a LOT of work to change that.
Zenphoto showed signs of being less bothersome. You’d think it would be less so, as it names itself Zen. I imagined myself floating over to the keyboard and barely brushing the mouse buttons to instantly see my gallery images appear in exactly the right place. Installed and logged in, I was presented with a powdery blue interface with minimalist writing and buttons.
I discovered it was too minimalist as I looked at the gallery. The stylesheet was still at yoga class, as it hadn’t showed up to layout my gallery or give it any colour. I tried a few more times, but uninstalled. Again, I blame the lack of results on the wordpress file system which seems to create folders for different pages of your site. This is a lie! It uses PHP to read the words in the address bar and redirect you to a page in the main folder.

In conclusion, if you want a fancy gallery on your website then make it parallel to your wordpess blog and link them both to a empty site design / static front page. Another option is to link to fully-fledged photo-blogs. Sites like www.flickr.com (I HATE this site’s name - the american who thought of it is a wankr), and gallery are fantastic. I’m just over-controlling and wanted it my way.

If you think I’m wrong, I’d be delighted to hear how you’ve done it. I actually want to be wrong here.

Oct. 13th, 2005

posing laying

Eternal debts

Loving, caring student loans. Here’s a quote from their website:

“Student loans are part of the government’s financial support package for students embarking on a course of higher education. They are available to help higher education students meet their living costs while studying.”

Unless you’re particularly well off or a working and responsible student, it’s likely you’ll need to apply for a loan during your univeristy days. The loans are pretty easy to attain and of course, you have to read all the blurb and sign your life away, but you do it because everyone else is doing it and you probably need it to pay for your residency for the first year.

Ok, now you’ve got your money and the contract you’ve signed just goes into the paperwork files you’ve started to collect since the start of term, to be forgotten about for the next few years. I’ve got years to finish university and start earning the minimum amount before I start paying for that thing, you think to yourself.

All is good and well and then you find yourself working and starting to pay back the loan. Still, everything is fine and dandy until you’re not working for a short while. If it so happens that the short while turns into a long while, this is where Student Loans reminds you that you’re no longer a student and therefore will not receive as much help as before.

I call up one afternoon, realising that student loans are going to suck my account dry if they continue to take their £45 a month while I’m not receiving any income. The gentleman on the other end of the line is quite happy to tell me the payments have been cancelled and I sigh a small relief. This is where I was silly and didn’t read the small print. You can’t cancel, just like that, assuming that Student Loans will realise that you’re not working, just as they realised you were in the first place when they decided to start taking from your account - oh no, no no.

You have to apply for deferment.

Now, I’m guessing the man who cancelled my payments either thought I already knew this or was unaware of that fact himself. It took them 3 months to tell me in writing, by which time I had incurred arrears.
With this I call up and say that I’m still not working and they say ‘You must fill out a deferment form with all your incomings and outgoings and then we’ll notify you if you can defer.’ So I fill out a form and send it back with bank statements, hoping that they will process it quickly so I don’t incur more arrears. A month later I received a letter saying that I hadn’t given enough information and that more proof of my income was required, all the while racking up charges for lack of payments.
Okay, I do blame myself for not claiming jobseeker’s allowance. It’s something that I just don’t want to get into, and the only reason I would have to, is because Student Loans are being a bitch. So finally, I get my father to write a letter to them saying he send me money on an irregular basis and they accept and defer payment for 8 months. (Not the normal 12 months because I had already been allowed the 4 months I didn’t know I had been a bad boy).

Do you think that solves the problem? You’re right - it doesn’t. Even though you can defer proper payments, you can’t defer arrears. So now the Students Loans Company are on my back for regular payments of the arrears. I mean, isn’t it enough to prove that I’m not in the right financial state to pay the normal demands without having to prove that I can’t suddenly magic money for arrears as if it’s a different currency? I could try bartering, but my mother wants to keep her other children.

I know there will be ways around it and it’s my fault, but what is wrong with them? The staff are always condescending, like they’re reading a script on the do’s and don’ts of repayments with that ‘oh, here we go, another stupid fish trying get through the net’ voice - bitches.

Aug. 23rd, 2005

posing laying

I hate MTV

It's what-TV?

M? Em for Music? Ah right, gotcha.

No, no, it's ok. I just thought for a second there it might stand for something else. Marketing perhaps. Mistitled? Monotonous? Any 'M' is less ironic than Music. By being the first channel dedicated to music videos, it seems they've evolved past this primitive state of actually showing any.

I was watching MTV out of the side of my eye today, whilst reading. I've always known there have been half hour documentaries with ad-breaks every 10 minutes, but when do the documentaries end and the so-called music begin?

Today I switched on during 'Cribs'. You know, the programme where MTV is invited by a star to be given a tour of the star's house. It's usually the same scenario. For instance, today, Lil' Bow Wow takes us to his home. You see the medium sized mansion that they always have and go inside. It always looks like the house has been hired for the day and they don't know where anything is. "Yeah, yeah, we gots da fridge here, and looky inside! I gots me some cookie dough and mm-mm, I *always* drink plenny-a milk, that's right." This along with the conveniently placed grandmother in day-glow orange fitness suit just 'hangin out' alone on the back porch, 'ma mutha' perched woodenly on a bean-bag watchin t.v. in a spotless cream and pink bedroom and some flash cars out in the front drive with his best bud playing with the electric roof, like he's never seen it before. It's not that I don't believe they own all this stuff - I'd be more interested if they stopped the staging and showed us them really living in the house, like the Osbournes.

Now where was I? Ah yes, bitchin' about the host channel *TV. The '*' can be replaced by any noun you see fit.
Trippin', Punk'd, Cribs, Newlyweds, Jackass, Pimp My Ride... I skipped forward on the satellite listings pages. After a while, I only saw the word 'Punk'd' followed by 20.00, 20.30, 21.00, 21.30, and on and on into the next day.
At least when I was a teenager, they gave up after 1am and started 'night videos'. I know! Can you imagine it? If they did that to today - there would be an outcry! OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a tad. But I'm allowed to be. Some 'honost' 15 y/o on quizilla discovered I have a red aura - so there.

red aura

Your aura shines Red!

What Color Is Your Aura?

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